Loss

So I haven't been really philosophic with y'all lately. Maybe I should get back at that. I think it's been because I was fearing the people that read this blog the most would see my true feelings and it would offend. Years ago that was my only wish.  The re-occurring theme with all of this though, is loss. 

I started this blog 5 years ago because of a loss I experienced.  It was an easy way to swim through my pain and sarcastically talk about really what was on my mind.  Yes, as I filled that void of loss I gained a fuller aspect of life: Love from old and new friends.  Love from my family who could relate to my pain on the screen.  It was liberating.  I found posting was a great way of silent revenge, displaying my life was going good, living well.  In turn, I made an online memory book that I can reflect on when I'm feeling down.


So today, at the end of 2010, I am dealing with loss again.  Reflecting on the obvious loss I've experienced in 15 months, Paul Casey, Grandfather - June 2009; JoAnne Bell, Grandmother - November 2009; John Bell, Grandfather - 2010, Julia Casey, Grandmother - October 2010.  Those names vanishing from my life currently, mess with me.  Wanting to call them but no one to answer - devestating at times.  But what about the other feelings of loss.  The superficial loss of friends due to circumstances, attitudes, wants, misunderstandings and disagreements.  No, I'm not a difficult person to get along with, or at least I don't think so.  People change and want different things.  But recently it seems as if people want a lot for themselves.


Dare I say it?  Selfish. Yeah, I did.


I've had to come to remind myself that people do what's good for them, rarely what's good for others.  It's the art of pleasing oneself that these people I seem to know are skilled in.  Now, if I do that, it's unacceptable. 


...


If I were to shut down and not call a close family member or friend intentionally for weeks to months on end, I would be the bad guy.  An ugly email or conversation would follow.


If I were to "play" multiple guys at the same time without any of them knowing about one another in an effort to see how far I could go, or if I could receive a better offer from one of them I'd be called all sort of names.  My reputation would plummet, never to return.


If I were to make promises of plans with friends and tell them to hold time for me, make dinner because I'm coming and were to never show up or follow up, better yet, to show up after the food is cold and need to leave early after they went out of their way, I'd be a villian.  Never to be invited again.


If I were dumb-down, ignore friends and family when they speak their mind, defend themselves or speak for what they believe to be true, or speak about something their excited about, I'd be insensative and ignorant.  Not valued as a friend or confidant.


So why is it okay for me to take this type of attitude from everyone else?


...


Unconditionally, those 4 people who died this past year, were people I knew would treat me how I strived to treat the ones around me each day.  I miss that.


So the training wheels are off, what do I do?  I don't have Papa who will stop everything to listen to the story about the biggest day of my professional career. Or Nana to hear about how the man I thought I was in love with fell off the face of the earth to date a big headed girl with bad weave.  Or Grandma Casey to hear about the story of how my crush keeps telling me he's dating the girl of his dreams...
Yes, I pray to God everyday. 


But the human aspect? I feel lately I'm losing in that game.  I'm sliding on the Billboard Charts with some of my dear friends.  But who's counting right?


I'm trying to fill my days with things that matter.  By giving of my time and love till it hurts. But I'm tired.  I'd rather be selfish sometimes.  Let someone do for me - and I'm not talking materially. 
I want a dog.  Thinking that would help with the loss where the giving of me can't.


I believe a change will have to again come.

A change within me, because no one else is going to change.  What that means, no sure.  But stay tuned. 

I'm tired of losing.

Bella